“Within the group, a code language was, if I was on the phone and there were people around me, that I was kind of in danger or there was something wrong, the code was to say 'I miss you', because something that kind of weepy and emotional would be the trigger. We would never say that, because we had this grand understanding of a higher purpose. So that would be the telltale, like, something's off.”
Modern Love · Ideas & Essays · November 2026
Context
His wife Donna Flagg had just said he always seemed uncomfortable saying 'I miss you', which she took as a hang-up. Richards explains that inside the group he belonged to, those words were a distress signal, reframing years of her confusion.
Transcript
Wait, wait, say what you mean. It's like he wouldn't say, I miss you.
Well, it's not like I ever asked him to, but he would, he would at one point say his whole thing was, and I didn't know he was getting pressure from the group, but I guess he would have guilt trips. And so he would feel the need to
what was the, it's funny. I think I've told you this, but within the group, a code language was if I was on the phone and there were. People around me that I was kind of in danger or there was something wrong. Sure. The code was to say, I miss you, because something that kind of weepy and emotional would be the trigger to say we would never say that because we had this grand understanding of a higher purpose and all that. So that would be the telltale, like something's off. So
I didn't know that. So
she didn't know that.
But I think I, whatever justification, it was that with missing, the word missing was something he didn't do. But yet he would say things to me like, I can't fathom my life without you. And then he would usually say, but I can't have this relationship. Wow. But then he would call me that and be…